This. What is this.
No really. What is this? What is it made of? It tastes like something I really shouldn’t be eating. Like a AAA battery or a bar of soap.
Why would anyone shoehorn this ungodly morsel into a home cooked meal? What is the rationale behind this misguided decision? Why would you feed someone this – it’s inhumane, it’s horrific, it’s… un-Christian.
That’s Sanitarium’s Tender Pieces for you – Christianity’s greatest culinary paradox.
But if I were to hazard a guess as to the ‘why’ of these so called ‘Tender Pieces’, it would be this: many Seventh Day Adventist Christians are vegetarians. In fact, due to a random verse buried deep in the Bible, in the book of Daniel, being a vegetarian is actually a defining facet of the SDA church and its beliefs.
Which accounts for the fact that Seventh Day Adventist church lunches are utterly devoid of meat and, hence, cursed with the presence of Sanitarium ‘Tender Pieces’.
But the truly nefarious aspect of the Tender Pieces conundrum is its penchant for stealthy infiltration. Being a repulsive concoction cunningly disguised as beef, you never quite know when that unsavoury bastard is going to catch you unawares. ‘Whoa’, you think to yourself, stomach gurning in anticipation, ‘that’s a delicious looking bolognese sauce you’ve got there Mrs Rodriguez. Mind if I have a little tasty taste?’ She nods her head enthusiastically, and you take a bite…
Except that’s not mince – it’s not any kind of meaty substance you could imagine. It’s, you guessed it, tender pieces. You’ve just eaten them. And you want to kill yourself.
And this same little scenario repeats itself endlessly, like a twisted kaleidoscope of SDA torture – ‘meat’ pies, ‘beef’ enchiladas, ‘beef’ empanadas, shepherd’s pie – many a time I’ve sunk my teeth in anticipation of that sweet, sweet meaty taste, only to find that I’ve actually ingested an ingredient from the darkest depths of Beelzibub’s pantry – the heinous Tender Piece.
But the worst part of this little dilemma is this: Seventh Day Adventists are absolutely the worst vegetarians I’ve ever encountered. In fact, if I had to hazard a guess, I’d estimate that less than 2.5% of Sevvies are actually proper veggies.
‘Give me a bite of the McChicken burger right now, before I knee you in the balls’ is pretty much verbatim what my missus said to me one fine eve, precisely five minutes after refusing to buy her own, because she ‘didn’t eat meat’. Three huge bites later her conscience kicked in and she gave me the burger back, but that deep primitive beef-lust is always lurking, just beneath the surface. Waiting to strike, whenever a McChicken burger is in the vicinity.
Seriously. You have to watch out, they’re like bloody seagulls these SDA types – they barely even know they’ve grabbed the burger from your cold dead hands until they’re wolfing it down – like a dog eating a biscuit, or Bear Grylls chomping on his own faeces. They just love it – a bitter twisted love, an unrequited love. A love they can only indulge in fleetingly, before resigning themselves to a life of pain, suffering…
And Sanitarium Tender Pieces.
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